On Keeping It Together

Ever since my mentor went on maternity leave, I have been struggling to keep it together and trying to pretend that I am not totally falling apart even though I am so tensed up at work I can barely breathe.

I start to fear opening up my mails.

I start to hate meetings.

I catch myself spacing out.

I feel like I’m being pushed to uncomfortable zones I’m not prepared to go into.

I feel inadequate and handicapped at this job although I have had a number of small wins so far. I doubt myself at every second.

I stare 10 minutes at an email and my mind start to wander off.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

My mind and body is exhausted.

I don’t think I can do this.

I’m not good enough.

I want to run away.

I’m one big mess.

I have all these things running through my mind while I try to maintain a straight face trying to read a simple email in Japanese.

I try to keep it together. I tell myself things will get better. I push my fingers into the underside of my wrist to remind myself that all this, too shall pass. And I will look back and laugh at myself.

But not now.

Now, I need to put my energy on taking one step at a time. Even if it’s taking all my energy to make one tiny step.

I can do this, right?

…right?

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