Ever since my mentor went on maternity leave, I have been struggling to keep it together and trying to pretend that I am not totally falling apart even though I am so tensed up at work I can barely breathe.
I start to fear opening up my mails.
I start to hate meetings.
I catch myself spacing out.
I feel like I’m being pushed to uncomfortable zones I’m not prepared to go into.
I feel inadequate and handicapped at this job although I have had a number of small wins so far. I doubt myself at every second.
I stare 10 minutes at an email and my mind start to wander off.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
My mind and body is exhausted.
I don’t think I can do this.
I’m not good enough.
I want to run away.
I’m one big mess.
I have all these things running through my mind while I try to maintain a straight face trying to read a simple email in Japanese.
I try to keep it together. I tell myself things will get better. I push my fingers into the underside of my wrist to remind myself that all this, too shall pass. And I will look back and laugh at myself.
But not now.
Now, I need to put my energy on taking one step at a time. Even if it’s taking all my energy to make one tiny step.
I can do this, right?