Missing Milestones

Sometimes I wonder if it’s okay to miss the big moments.

My sis just gave birth today. And I was sitting through an intense two-hour Japanese language course while the string of messages started streaming in from Singapore. When my lesson ended, I looked at each picture sent of the precious little one. And I burst out in tears in the locker room. I was alone and felt like I missed a milestone in my life not being able to see the birth of my nephew in person.

A question flashed through my mind: what was I doing here?

What was I doing missing the big moments of my family’s life while I am here sitting in meetings that I can hardly understand, taking such a long time reading short emails tirelessly everyday, feeling extremely unproductive and ineffective at work everyday?

In that instant when I saw my nephew’s photo, I have completely forgotten why I came here for. I just became an aunt but I have no one here I can share my joy and excitement with. And it breaks my heart.

In that instant when I saw my nephew’s photo, I realized that I am absolutely and completely alone here.

I curled up in bed that night silently in tears. I thought about many things. I let them settle down for the night.

Tomorrow is another day.

I will be strong another day.

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