What it means to miss someone

The first time you start to miss someone, it happened out of the blue. You feel a bit stuffy, but you think to yourself:  Hey, it’s okay. Everything is fine. It’ll get better. You can get over this. It’s a piece of cake.

You throw yourself completely into an activity. Immerse yourself in it so you don’t think about that person. For a while, it seems to work.

The second time you catch yourself missing that person again, you get reminded of a memory you both used to share. And you wonder to yourself why there is something gnawing at your heart. So instead of addressing it, you immerse yourself into even more activities – to the point where you have no time to think about anything else, and you get so exhausted you don’t want to think about anything anymore.

The third time, you tell yourself maybe you’ll indulge in some old photos you have with the other person. You know, just to reminisce. You catch yourself smiling a few times. You find yourself reliving those special moments captured in the past. And surely, your heart starts to ache a little.

But you can’t stay like this, right? I mean, it’s not like you have stopped talking to the other person. But what do you do during those moments when they are too busy for you? So you start meeting new people, hoping they’ll fill the growing spaces in your heart. For a while, the thrill of getting to know someone new distracts you from the one you want to forget.

Then, it starts to get difficult even talking to the person. It feels like your heart is going to burst. You miss them when they’re not around, and you miss them even more when they are. You feel like dropping all you have right now to see the other person but you can’t. You’re here. They’re there.

So you tell yourself the adult thing to do is to control yourself and wait. You listen to music as a cathartic release. You hang around with new people in your life more often, but you find yourself always comparing. But by doing so, you only seem to miss that person even more.

Until one day, you finally tell yourself you were wrong. It doesn’t get better. Everything is not okay. Since when did this person creep into your heart like that and take up so much space in there, such that when they leave, they leave behind a gaping hole you cannot replace?

It hurts.

And after holding it in for so long, you simply let the memories hurt you.

You let yourself miss this person like crazy. You re-read messages you receive from the other person like a mad obsessed woman. You relive the emotions you got when you received those messages again and again. You indulge in your memories alone. You talk about the person to others until even your mouth gets tired of talking about them. You let every single raw emotion out and turn them into art, music and words when nights get cold, and dark and long and lonely, with only three words hanging at the tip of your tongue that you simply refuse to say out to them:

… I’ve missed you. I missed you. I miss you.

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