The end of the road: Cry, don’t cry

I have five more days here in Singapore, and I am extremely touched by the warmth and love that I’ve been receiving in the last week that I’m here. Small gestures do make the biggest difference but I tend to detach myself in situations when I think I might cry and laugh it all off as a joke.

There are moments when I get intense butterflies in my stomach knowing that everything is going to change in five days. I panic. I take deep breaths. I try to be strong on my own and I will myself to think of happier things and remind myself of the reasons why I am going there for. For a while, yeah, things gets better. But as the day of the flight approaches, these moments come violently and unexpectedly. And I’m doing my best to stay strong somehow but I end up feeling even more vulnerable than before, if that is even possible at all.

When I hold my dad’s hand and could feel, just from his grip, that he isn’t that big strong fearless man I used to know him as before, these are the moments I want to break down and run away from reality like a screaming child. Then I think to myself that I’m already an adult and I shouldn’t be behaving like this anymore, even though these are the times I want to run into my parents’ arms to cry and not do anything in the world today. So I toughen myself up, pretend I’m the strong one, and hold him in my arms instead. He stays still when I do, for as long as I do, and now, as I do so, he just closes his eyes and smile like a child. So I stiffen my lip up and try my best not to give myself away.

I am the happiest I’ve ever been – and I say this with such gratitude for having such incredible warm people in my life.

I am becoming the best version of myself I’ve ever been – and I say this because of such incredible warm people I have in my life.

I will not trade anything in the world for them, and although I’m no man of faith, I pray in my heart they won’t lose their incredible warm self, and I pray that good things will always come to them. This time, it really does feel like I’m flipping to the end of a chapter of my life. The rest is yet unwritten; but I pray I will never forget to say thank you for whatever’s to come my way in my life from here on out.

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