For weeks, I have been trying to get to the source of my anxiety with this whole situation. I understand that worrying about something I cannot control in the future is pointless, and possibly harmful to my health, but my neurotic self doesn’t allow me to be at peace. I keep going back and forth with myself.
What did I sign myself up for?
Why hadn’t I thought this through more thoroughly before I make a decision?
And every time people ask me why I still decide to do this knowing that it’s not going to be an easy road, they water that seed of doubt that had settled inside me. Can I really do this?
It’s true I didn’t think that much when I made the decision. But thinking about it, going back and forth on it, was the only way I could make sense of my world and mentally prepare myself (to a certain extent) the changes I am about to see made to my world, changes that perhaps I needed to be made to my world. And it’s true that I don’t have a rose-tinted view on leaving – not the kind of rosy optimism and bubbling excitement you would expect anyone going through the same experience as me would have. Guess I’m always kinda expecting the worst; so that anything good that happens is like a miracle.
Recently, I have reached the point where I have resolved to do this and not worry too much about the what-ifs. I know why I am doing this now, and I know this is what I must do for myself. I will thread carefully, but I’m not going to think too deeply into what may or may not happen in the future anymore. I’m just going to try and let things be. Changes may be scary as hell, and they may not always be what you want at the moment, but maybe it’s what you need. And this is exactly what I need – to start living for myself again, even if it means doing this from scratch.
Now I just have to keep telling myself that.