Coco Chanel Quote

Coco Chanel Quote

Drawn with Alias Sketchbook Pro.
Trying on different styles to my drawing. ^_^

Advertisements

Collecting Pieces of a Puzzle called Life

A lot of times we end up in bad situations and we start questioning why we have to go through such situations and ask ourselves if we are horrid decision makers. While I do believe that we have a certain control over our lives, I also believe there are forces greater than us that we cannot have predicted or expected to happen. You could make all the calculations with the wind directions, the humidity, the intensity of the wind, the weight of your ship so on and so forth, and set your sail accordingly. But you couldn’t have predicted that some random butterfly somewhere halfway across the globe would be unintentionally setting off a sudden typhoon that you end up running yourself into.

Recently, I’m starting to see how our lives influence others in-a-big-universe-kind-of-way and are influenced by actions of others. I have to apologise because I can’t explain abstract things very well. I mean, I can try to explain (and try not to seem like I’m on some serious crack) but I’m pretty sure I can’t do this properly so excuse me while I try to make sense of this:

Assume you are one person. And you have a series of choices presented in front of you. These perceived options (or the lack of one) presented to you come from circumstances that often times you have very little control over, like being born into an elite family or not, but you still have a choice to choose what you do from that certain set of options, and each choice you make, however insignificant you think they may be, affects yourself and others in an extremely big way in the universe. A piece must be placed for other pieces to be uncovered, for them to be found, and pieced together for things to be clearer. So you go about your life making choices and collecting these pieces until perhaps one day you eventually get the full picture, where you can slowly get to understand yourself a bit better and perhaps find a meaningful place and purpose for your life.

You make one choice, and that opens up more options for some, while closing other options for other people as well. Similarly, while you affect others in this huge network, others are doing the same to you, opening and closing options in your life too, without you even perceiving it. So in a way, the choices made by others, which inadvertently affect the options you have in any given situation, are things you cannot control. But that’s not to say you have no control over your life, you do have control and free will, but that’s over what you do with the perceived options presented to you under the given circumstances in every moment in your life.

And each choice you make will affect many others’ lives, just as how the choices of others will affect yours. Fate, destiny, greater forces at work, you can call it whatever, but truth is, I’m beginning to see that we’re all connected in some way or another, in many ways than anyone can imagine.

There will be times I think I made the wrong choice to have landed myself in whatever shit I am in. I blame myself, I kick myself in the butt and dive into feelings of regret and self-reproach. But I think in the grander scheme of things, maybe somehow it was the options given to me in a certain situation that seem unclear or limited because of the ripple effect caused by the choices made by other people – people who I may or may not have any relations to at all in my life, like butterflies flapping their wings without knowing how they may be causing typhoons and hurricanes halfway across the globe. These are things I cannot control. The options that are open to me are things I don’t have control over.

And with that said, there will be some moments when all choices seem closed off to me and at times it seems like I’m stuck. But maybe things are in bits and pieces right now in my life and I can’t see the full picture clearly yet, which is why I may think I’m stuck; and yet even when all options seem closed off to me, I have to remind myself that I do still have choices. I can choose to reflect, to wait, to introspect, to try making new connections, to recharge or retrace my steps so on and so forth for other choices to seem apparent to me again.

Sure, there will be times you make decisions based on the options presented to you in that situation, and you may end up in a bad and dark place. But it doesn’t make you a failure nor are you a horrid decision maker. Sometimes you just have to shrug it off and acknowledge the fact that there are some things waaay beyond your control. What you can do, however, is make a choice on what you can do to move forward. There is always a choice, whether you want to see it or not. Sometimes, these choices may not be that visible to you because you’ve not gathered enough pieces of experience yet.

But in the end, you’ll find that whatever choice it is you make, you may not get what it is you want 100%, but you’ll always get what you need.

Settling the Heart Down

For weeks, I have been trying to get to the source of my anxiety with this whole situation. I understand that worrying about something I cannot control in the future is pointless, and possibly harmful to my health, but my neurotic self doesn’t allow me to be at peace. I keep going back and forth with myself. 

What did I sign myself up for? 

Why hadn’t I thought this through more thoroughly before I make a decision?

And every time people ask me why I still decide to do this knowing that it’s not going to be an easy road, they water that seed of doubt that had settled inside me. Can I really do this? 

It’s true I didn’t think that much when I made the decision. But thinking about it, going back and forth on it, was the only way I could make sense of my world and mentally prepare myself (to a certain extent) the changes I am about to see made to my world, changes that perhaps I needed to be made to my world. And it’s true that I don’t have a rose-tinted view on leaving – not the kind of rosy optimism and bubbling excitement you would expect anyone going through the same experience as me would have. Guess I’m always kinda expecting the worst; so that anything good that happens is like a miracle. 

Recently, I have reached the point where I have resolved to do this and not worry too much about the what-ifs. I know why I am doing this now, and I know this is what I must do for myself. I will thread carefully, but I’m not going to think too deeply into what may or may not happen in the future anymore. I’m just going to try and let things be. Changes may be scary as hell, and they may not always be what you want at the moment, but maybe it’s what you need. And this is exactly what I need – to start living for myself again, even if it means doing this from scratch. 

Now I just have to keep telling myself that.