2013 – It’s going to be different this time, right?

It’s been a long while since I last posted. 2012 has been a year of deep introspection and reflection for me. I became jaded in the middle of it and I started thinking deeply about what I really wanted in life. It seems all the things I used to value and the things I thought I always wanted seemed to have lost its colour for a while. I guess everyone has to go through this phase at some point of time in their lives, and I’m still recovering from my mental torpor.

I went through a pretty shitty semester in the first half of 2012 because I – and the rest of the class – got screwed over pretty badly by a lousy professor. For the first time throughout my 4 years in school, I had to work long nights to meet extremely tight deadlines for just one module. The only thing that kept me sane was knowing we were all in this same pile of shit together and it would all end in a few months. It was so bad that it pushed me to look for an internship just to escape education for a little while. So in the second half of 2012, I did my internship that was as challenging as it was rewarding. During this time, I tried a few things that I never thought I’d try in my life. Many of my peers would not have approved of my actions, but what I did brought upon new and refreshing perspectives in my life.

There’s a quote I read once, “You only fully realise who you truly are by hanging out with people whom you’re not.” I think I understand that now. It’s good to meet people that live life differently from you every now and then. You gain new perspectives and a better understanding of yourself.  While it’s easy to seek out people who are similar to you to reassert your own values and morals in life, you run the risk of staying in a little bubble of rose-tinted ignorance. You become too safe, too fearful of new things and afraid to venture into the unfamiliar. You end up building walls rather than bridges. I’ve always known that, but have never felt like I should do something about it.

Knowing that has made me open up bit by bit and has brought some people back into my life. And right now, there’s this insatiable ache to do something more, something different, something that could make my life a little more worth being thankful for – not that I’m not thankful for the life I have right now, mind you, but to have something I can keep looking forward to and working towards.

This year, I hope I can be more honest with my feelings – to be able to convey that I’m thankful and grateful to have people I care for in my life, despite my tendency to say the exact opposite to them.

And despite being extremely terrified of new environments and situations, I hope I don’t let fear rule my life and take things one step at a time, just doing what I can. I’d like to start living in the moment and not in the future. New experiences can make me discover new things about myself that I never did before, and I hope I remember this well for the rest of this year and the rest of my life.

I also hope to have more courage and be less fearful of rejection, to keep up this “can-do” attitude and embrace life – for worse or for the better.

And before I end this, I’d like to say a word of thanks to everyone in my life – for allowing me to still be able to discover new things about myself, for sticking around and being there despite what a difficult person I can be at times and for being awesome people I can count on. Stay awesome, people!

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